“I’m feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, so much that I feel tired the entire day…When does this stop and how do I get better.”
“But my emotions were everywhere. I’m exhausted. I napped before young adults and I’m still tired…Can’t turn on…Present but not present.”
“…Starting to wonder if my bad days are outweighing my good days.”
Two years ago, I committed to do one of the greatest acts of self-love when I sought help. ^These were from my phone memos back when I was told to journal what I was thinking and feeling when I was “in it.”
During that time, my piece of advice (or what I like to think of as “homework”) was to take a break and focus on the senses I’d encounter while in New York.
Visual: The villages. The signaling street lights from my reading spot. K&R’s high ceilings and open windows.
Tactile: Perspiration from New York summers ..or from nervousness - I really can’t tell anymore
Oral: Local coffee
Smell: Omnipresent gas..as if the city could easily go up into flames
With these, memories began to wholesomely formed. Because what better way to learn than to make sense of it all.
Brooklyn is beautiful, and we took it slow from every neighbor’s direction and perspective to merely admire and respect the space as well as the community. I took almost every chance to be mindful.
And when I reported back, I stated, “I failed.”
I was also self conscious most of the time, so much that it prohibited me from interactions or doing simple things like adding more sugar in my coffee without the fear of being judged. My confidence was shot and I intermittently had flights of hypersensitivity.
The year after that was a car accident and depression.
I now realize that there’s something about this time of year my anxiety is exacerbated. Although 2020 is on another level of its own, my anxiety has begun to manifest itself more physically ..and with a little more anger than I’m used to.
So for those who are tired and just trying to do right, keep going.